Divorcing A Narcissist

Divorcing A Narcissist

Divorce and the divorce process can be a very difficult legal procedure, and dealing with an uncooperative– or even narcissistic former spouse can drag out the process and make it even more difficult for you.  A narcissistic spouse will also create additional layers of frustration and emotional choas because that is just what they do, knowing that going in and how to deal with it can help you significantly.  

If your spouse is a diagnosed narcissist or displaying narcissistic behaviour traits, there are a few tools to use to make the divorce journey easier on yourself, such as keeping records of everything and doing your best to communicate solely through your divorce team.

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Read on for more information and tips on divorce and dealing with a narcissist. 

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What is a Narcissist?

A narcissist is often a term used lightly and colloquially, without a proper diagnosis. However, if a person is a true narcissist, they are defined as someone who exhibits a“pattern of need for admiration and lack of empathy for others”. If you are living with a narcissist, and experiencing narcissistic behavior, you may notice that they were originally charming and personable– perhaps they swept you off your feet in the beginning of your relationship. However, narcissists in relationships often begin to become controlling or manipulative, once they are certain that they “have you”.

A narcissist also believes in their superiority, so they work hard to appear highly important and successful. The will use things like emotional manipulation, financial abuse, narcissistic rage and sometimes domestic violence to get what they want.

This issue is part of borderline personality disorder and it will definitely complicate the divorce process.  It is critical that you understand that going in.  You should also consider the legal process, child custody and potentially working with an experienced lawyer who can help you in this specific area.

A great way to get some help is to work with a certified divorce coach like Heidi who can guide you through the land mines and emotions.  

What are the Behavioural Traits of a Narcissist?

A narcissist believes intensely in their own superiority, and can also be very competitive– a narcissist has to “win” at any cost. A narcissist can also be manipulative and cruel, even resorting to abusive behaviour in order to get their way. When you first meet a narcissist, they are usually fun, sparkling, and charming, but any sign of conflict will get them on their guard. Their true colours are revealed when playing defence. A narcissist can easily become irrational, unreasonable, and unnecessarily defensive.

A common tactic of a person who has a narcissistic personality disorder is to play the blame game, projecting their perceived failings upon others, likely you, in order to shirk responsibility for this. Nothing is ever a narcissist’s fault. 

Narcissism is not a one size fits all type of problem. Narcissism lies on a spectrum and covers different personality traits. Some of these traits are actually healthy traits– for example, confidence is one of them. Many of these personality traits, though, are negative and count among them the traits outlined previously– for example, exploitativeness.

How a Narcissist Reacts to Divorce

After reading up on narcissistic behaviour and the typical traits one may exhibit, you can probably guess how a narcissist reacts to divorce, sometimes we call these high conflict divorces.

A narcissist will usually place blame on either their spouse or children– or both– for the divorce instead of taking accountability for having any part of it. There will often be verbal and emotional abuse.  They will use tactics like unreasonable expectations, aggressive text messages and phone calls, high conflict behaviour and controlling loved ones, taking advantage of whomever they can.

This is another instance of where a narcissist believes they must win at all costs– they believe they must “win” the divorce, and often try to do this in the most painful way possible for the other person. Due to this, it is difficult– if not impossible– to have an amicable divorce procedure when divorcing a narcissist. Divorces involving narcissists usually end up in court, as narcissists are stubborn and do not like to negotiate or compromise. 

When you are dealing with a narcis, you may experience bullying, exploitative, manipulative or abusive behaviour. It is for this reason that it is advised that you have limited contact with your former spouse during the proceedings and only communicate when necessary.

Support with communicating is key, hiring a divorce coach can also support you as you navigate these murky waters. You will also likely require the support of a coach from a financial perspective as, your former spouse may refuse to provide financial records, obstruct or disregard court orders, refuse to settle, or simply be motivated to derail the divorce proceedings.  You will also want to consider an experienced lawyer (or an experienced family lawyer if you have your own children) who can help you navigate these waters.

How will a Divorce Coach help me if I am divorcing a Narcissist?

A divorce coach can be a powerful ally when you're navigating the complex and emotionally charged experience of divorcing a narcissist. Unlike legal counsel, or a strictly legal strategy, a divorce coach provides practical, emotional, and strategic support tailored to your unique situation, especially when your narcissistic spouse exhibits manipulative or controlling behaviour.

One of the main benefits of working with a divorce coach is having guidance from someone who understands the unique challenges that come with narcissistic traits, such as gaslighting, blame-shifting, or weaponizing children and finances. A coach can help you stay grounded, regulate your emotions, help you lock in your parent's behavior style, and prioritize your emotional well-being as you move through what can feel like an overwhelming process.  If you are headed for a custody battle a divorce coach can also help you with the steps, and make sure your parenting time isn't lost through uneven custody cases.

In many cases, the divorce process involves prolonged conflict, especially when a narcissistic husband or wife is focused on winning rather than reaching fair agreements. A divorce coach can help you prepare for these patterns, respond instead of react, and document interactions effectively—something that becomes crucial in court, especially when post-separation abuse is a concern.

For individuals with children, especially those co-parenting with a narcissistic parent, a divorce coach can help you create boundaries and parenting plans that protect your emotional well-being and that of your children. They also work closely with your legal team and can coordinate with your mental health professional to ensure you’re receiving well-rounded support.  Depending on the circumstances full custody is plausible, and working with custody evaluators is something we can help with.  Staying calm is very important and we spend time together working on these exact things.

Ultimately, a divorce coach provides clarity, structure, and strength, helping you maintain your voice and values while navigating the legal, emotional, and logistical challenges that come with separating from a narcissistic spouse.

How to Co-Parent with a Narcissist

Co-parenting can be tricky, especially if you are in conflict with your ex.

However, it is usually best for your children’s growth and well-being if things are kept as normal as possible and they are able to see both of their parents regularly, provided it is safe to do so. Having shared children can make the divorce process even longer, more emotionally draining, and much more stressful, as it is not only your well-being in question here. 

A narcissist may also attempt to use your child as a weapon against you. Unfortunately, the lack of empathy that is common in narcissistic personalities extends to their children as well.

Their self-interest does not allow for them to look at things with their children's best interests at the forefront. Instead, they may see your children as another way to get what they want– or, at least, to look like they have won.

As hard as it is, absolutely avoid badmouthing your spouse to your children in any case, regardless of what they are saying about you to them.

Uphold stability in your household, providing the children with the love, safety and belonging they innately desire.

Putting your kids in the middle is not an option, as much as you want people on your side, so to speak.

Your narcissistic former spouse will likely not cooperate and continue to destabilize things, but the stability and routine you provide will greatly benefit your children. It may also be wise for your children to see a therapist during your divorce to help them cope and ensure their mental health is in check.

When Divorcing a Narcissist

If you are in a divorce situation with a narcissist, try to educate yourself, allowing you to be aware of their narcissistic traits or tactics and how to navigate them. Legal professionals and divorce coaches often see these types of divorces, so your team should be able to help you through this, and even help you to combat these behaviours before they come out. Strong legal counsel and support through a divorce coach is key to success, whether the divorce happens in court or outside of it.

Narcissists tend to resort to manipulation or intimidation, you should prepare yourself for this and be confident about fighting for what is right, rather than giving in under the weight of this harassment. Preparing yourself for a long fight, both financially and emotionally is unfortunately necessary. Some of the behaviours that you can expect from a narcissist are:

• Gaslighting to manipulate you and your feelings
• Financial abuse or financial control, such as destroying your credit or hiding financial or legal documents and not paying child support
• Intentionally drawing out the proceedings to rack up your legal bills
• Obstructing or disregarding court orders, and not replying to your divorce attorney
• Behaving vindictively towards you, your personal property, a family member or mutual friends
• Failing to take any accountability and instead blaming others, including family or outsiders
• Challenging you on things like your attorney client relationship, being the other parent, your family law attorney, inflated sense of self importance and even verbal abuse.  
• Find a support group as this will be a great place to get support and self care.  The best way to combat this type of situation is to get long term professional support as well, family therapy and taking advantage of the services around you.

Tactics for Divorce and a Narcissist

One of the most important things you can do in preparation is to educate yourself on this personality disorder. This will help you to understand what you are up against and know what curveballs might be thrown your way throughout your divorce journey. When conducting research, ensure you are looking at credible sources, rather than opinion pieces written by someone on the Internet. This is a real, diagnosable disorder (although most narcissists are rarely properly diagnosed because they believe nothing is wrong with them) so you will want to be sure to gather professional information.

Another tactic is finding a coach and/or therapist, to help you to cope with the stress and emotional toll the divorce proceedings will take on you.

A therapist is well-versed in personality disorders, and a coach will support you in the moment, helping you find the right tools for you to cope with your former spouse’s behaviour, and minimizing having an emotional reaction. Look for a support team that have experience with narcissistic disorders.

It is equally important that you record everything that is communicated. All communication should be done in writing so that your spouse is not able to turn around and deny things later. Without a paper trail to refer to, nothing can be proven, so even if you had agreed on something verbally, for example, your spouse could deny it or change their mind with no repercussions. Additionally, missed appointments and other such bad behaviour should be recorded and reported to your legal counsel.

As gaslighting is a common tool in a narcissist’s toolbox, you should prepare yourself for this before every face-to-face meeting or conversation. Even with lawyers present, it is very likely that a narcissist will try and resort to this. One of the reasons for this is because they are trying to make you doubt yourself or try to avoid responsibility or fault. Narcissists also thrive off of your reactions, so you should prepare yourself for this and learn how to manage your emotions. If you prepare for this, the gaslighting is less likely to catch you off guard and fluster you, which may cause you to react rashly. You cannot let this type of behaviour shake you, though it may be difficult,  because that is a narcissist’s goal. Gaslighting is a method that wears a person down over time, so you may also need to discuss this behaviour with your therapist or coach in order to cope properly.

Frequently Asked Questions

What does a narcissist do when you try to leave them?

When you try to leave a narcissistic parent or spouse, they will not make it easy for you. The divorce process is already difficult, and dealing with a narcissist can cause emotional turmoil. At first, they may promise to change or use manipulative tactics, such as guilt-tripping or making threats. Some may escalate to narcissistic rage, becoming physically violent or emotionally abusive.

It’s important to stay strong and establish healthy boundaries. Seeking support for your mental health condition, such as therapy or legal guidance, can help you navigate this challenging time.

Narcissistic behavior is always self-focused and even when it comes to child custody, family law or divorce proceedings they will respond with what is best for them.

Why don’t narcissists want a divorce?

Narcissists often resist divorce not because they value the relationship, but because they fear losing control, supply, or the ability to manipulate their partner. Ending the relationship threatens their carefully constructed self-image and can spark feelings of rejection or vulnerability they aren’t equipped to handle. For many, it’s less about love and more about power, control, and perception.

Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder may struggle with the idea of someone asserting independence or prioritizing their own life. Divorce undermines the illusion of dominance they try to maintain, and losing access to their partner can trigger intense emotional stress. In high-conflict separations, this may lead to post separation abuse, where the narcissist uses tactics like gaslighting, financial threats, or custody disputes to maintain control.

Even when the relationship is clearly unhealthy, a narcissistic partner may escalate narcissistic traits—such as entitlement, blame-shifting, and a lack of empathy—to delay or obstruct the divorce process. Working with a mental health professional during this time is crucial for support, clarity, and safety planning, especially when personality disorders are involved.

How does a narcissist behave during a divorce?

During a divorce, a narcissist often turns vindictive, making it a high-conflict divorce. They may refuse to cooperate, blame the other parent for everything, and even obstruct legal proceedings. In divorce cases, they frequently disregard court orders and manipulate the situation to appear as the victim.

Because of the behaviour we often recommend a professional support and a strong legal strategy, from a legal professional, especially when the narcissist is the other parent.  You may find yourself in a custody battle where phone conversations, bank accounts, parenting time and a restraining order are all part of the situation.  You will want and need help with this.  

How do narcissists react to divorce?

Since narcissists do not take responsibility for their own actions, they often blame their spouse, children, or external factors for the divorce. They may try to use narcissistic abuse tactics, such as gaslighting or guilt-tripping, to maintain control.

How do you beat a narcissist in a divorce?

To protect yourself, focus on facts, keep documentation, and avoid emotional traps. Narcissists thrive on troubled relationships and will try to bait you into arguments. Work with a strong legal team and, if possible, communicate only through professionals to prevent unnecessary conflict.

Is it best to divorce a narcissist?

If your marriage was filled with toxic behavior, ending it is the best choice for your well-being. However, the healing process can be long and emotionally exhausting. Seeking support from therapists, legal professionals, or divorce coaches can help you navigate this transition and focus on personal growth.

How do narcissists treat their exes?

Even after the divorce is finalized, a narcissistic ex may continue to manipulate or try to stay in contact. They often use their exes to maintain control, seek validation, or exert influence, especially in high-conflict divorce situations involving children. Some may even use domestic violence allegations or legal threats to remain in their ex’s life.

Treatment can be a very important thing to keep note of, recording text messages and even phone calls which can help in a custody battle and with resolutions in high conflict divorces.  Your legal strategy should be worked on with your coach and your lawyer, but keeping records of these things and others like financial abuse, emotional abuse and even physical abuse is very important.  Custody evaluators in custody cases use all the information they have so make sure you keep everything.  

How do you permanently detach from a narcissist?

Leaving a narcissist can be difficult, they think they are high status people, and they are especially difficult when it comes to divorce, as they aim to make it as painful and lengthy as possible. To detach from a narcissistic spouse, either during or after the divorce process, you should limit communication, have a contingency plan, and find support if necessary– such as the support of a coach, therapist or counsellor. If communication is still necessary, due to co-parenting or divorce proceedings, try to limit communication as much as you can. Get help with communication only when you need to.

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If you or someone you know is facing separation or divorce and don’t know where to begin, that's where I can help. I act as emotional support, thinking partner and guide for you, so you can retain your dignity, find clarity and feel hopeful for the future. To learn more, visit our certified divorce coaching page. 

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